A couple of days ago I went to see my doctor to discuss the efficacy of my medication regime. I've been taking Ritalin a couple of times a day; 15 milligrams in the morning and 15 milligrams in the afternoon.
It has been about four months since I first began this journey. Initially, I experienced some obviously positive changes. Getting my butt out of bed was suddenly less of a chore, and my spouse said I was actually being nicer.
Somewhere in there I got a bit over-exuberant about the dosage amount. The successes I was experiencing would only become more numerous if I increased the dose ... or so I thought.
In reality I hit a freaking brick wall hard enough to dislodge the topmost course of bricks, which then came tumbling down on top of me, leaving me battered and bloodied at the base of the wall.
It took some outside intervention to convince me to reduce the dosage, and since then I'd been awaiting the doctor's appointment feeling a little sheepish for acting rashly and irresponsibly with my medication. I also felt as though I'd plateaued, and a little discouraged that this was all there was.
In the discussion with my doc it was determined that I might better benefit from a long acting medicine. I would take it once in the morning and it would emit half the dose outright, and the other half over the course of the day. More importantly, taking it only once would release me from the responsibility of trying to maintain a consistent dosage schedule ... something I was struggling with.
Towards the end of the appointment with a new script in hand, I was feeling a little blase about this whole damn treatment process. I'd been expecting some miraculous advice that would spur me towards the next level of success, and was feeling that that nugget of wisdom would not be forthcoming.
It was at this point that my doc asked me if I felt depressed.
I am 46 years old and I have never once in all of my life been able to honestly say that I'm not depressed ...
Yet, on that day in my doctor's office suddenly I realized that now I can.
How awesome is that?
quite awesome... I've been asked that by doctors as well. I always respond "of course not! It is just "a sinus infection", "my crazy thyroid", "lack of sleep due to motherhood". I just never wanted that DX on my chart without a disclaimer of "really it is just another hard day, I'll be fine." I am impressed you can be so honest.
ReplyDeleteI'm just plain surprised ... stunned even. He asked the question and I didn't even have to think about it--no hesitation while I searched for the words to describe my depression as something other than depression, no furtive glances to the floor while I tried to qualify my demeanor as something just a bit brighter than the blah I was feeling.
ReplyDeleteHe ask me and I looked him in the eye and truthfully said no.
I get the shivers now when I think about it.
Hi'ya Scott:
ReplyDeleteI've heard others say that, although there is no anti-anxiety effect to psycho-stimulants, they feel their anxiety being reduced significantly (or at least noticeably). The theory is that, with the increase in focus comes an increase in the feeling of control of your life - thus, less anxiety. I can see that being a whole lot less depressing ...
As to feeling sheepish about the over exuberant medicating ... chalk it up to the same urges that cause us to drink too much alcohol and/or coffee, smoke too much, exercise too much, even toke too much or eat too many carbs. You can't be faulted for wanting the benefit and for being shortsighted about the repercussions, that's part of the nature of the beast. But you should be proud of the fact that you learned your lesson and it stuck, that's progress, my friend, real progress.
Thank you once again for your comments, Taylor.
ReplyDeleteI greatly appreciate the perspective you bring from your vantage point further down the path. It is reassuring to know that I'm in the company of folks such as yourself who are so willing to help me read the map and point me in the right direction.